When I contemplated a name for my therapy practice, I thought about the kind of environment that I seek to create — both in myself, in the therapeutic relationship, and in a client’s experience. As a therapist, it is important to me that clients feel cared for and accepted for exactly who they are. In short, I strive to approach each client who I work with with an accepting heart. Striving to cultivate acceptance and compassion is also something that I bring to working with my own internal experience and the internal experience of my clients. To have an accepting heart means that we seek to bring curiosity and gentleness to the whole of our experience. When I get in touch with my heart’s intention for being in a helping profession, the deepest wish that emerges for me is this: may I understand, accept and love all parts of myself and support others in doing the same.
It is a simple wish but one that is not for the faint of heart. It is so ingrained in our human experience to resist painful experiences. Yet even the darkest, most challenging parts of myself have a positive intention for me and my happiness. When they are met with an accepting, curious heart, they are able to relax and fill a more functional role in my inner system. As Carl Rogers said, “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” A part that lashes out at others in anger, after feeling seen and valued as a protector, sets clear, compassionate boundaries with others and alerts the self when it is beginning to feel violated. I have young parts that carried burdens of sadness and shame for many years that have become my most trusted allies for their creativity, sensitivity and ability to attune to others’ emotional experiences.
I have also found this to be true with other individuals in my life, both clients and friends— even the most burdened, confused, difficult, destructive, addicted parts of ourselves, when seen and accepted for who they are and what they are trying to accomplish, can relax.
Acceptance is a balm that soothes the added suffering of hoping that our pain could be different. In my experience, the problematic parts of us and the suffering they bring do not go away because we condemn them. Rather, they soften as they are seen and accepted for who they are. This does not mean that we say “Yes! Let’s keep doing this addictive behavior!” Rather, it means we bring curiosity to the intention behind the addictive behavior and express appreciation for the ways this part of us has tried to keep us safe, connected, and happy, even if its methods have been dysfunctional.
Accepting Heart means that all parts of you are welcome in my (virtual) office, even those that feel shameful, that are excruciatingly painful, that you are afraid of, or even the ones that society has told you are unlovable or unacceptable. And it means that I will support you in uncovering your own accepting heart, this innate compassion, curiosity and clarity that cultivates true healing and transformation.